[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time