I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Thoughts
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.