I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now