WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”