Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
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In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂