I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.