[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.