“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
They got a point!