*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade