It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.