If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.