Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Saving my good tweets for marriage
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad