Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
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After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
So, can we agree on 4 or
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Vodka burrito was a success
The photographer’s assistant
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.