I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably