Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.