🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.