A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Breaking news:
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then