Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!