[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
You Might Also Like
I wish this was real life…
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?