there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
c’mon!
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
🤔😂😂
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine