Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
You Might Also Like
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what