wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.