I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*