5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Just had my nails done!
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
This is my favorite one of these!
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.