Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
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That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
It was worth a shot 😂
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.