[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car