Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
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The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Happy weekend !
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly