Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
dogs can find happiness so easily
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.