People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
O Wise One….
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
58.