If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I’m literally crying
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
just left a huge legacy in there
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago