cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.