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ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*