*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
also my go-to takeaway order
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Damn he played himself
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.