I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑