“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
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“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I can’t stop laughing at this
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.