I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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I can’t stop laughing at this
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Time heals everything 🙂
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it