And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks