Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow