Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The news
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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