I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
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romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.