I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
How to properly lift a body
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?