[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Bruh PLEASE
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.