when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
three things we don’t talk about
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I’m literally crying
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off