Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.