Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.