Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.