Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
E
E
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e
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e
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.