Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.