[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish