What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
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Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
inside you are two wolves
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.